I did not always hide away from the general public for months or weeks at a time. Once I was quite confident. I occasionally felt happy. I had a full time job and I could face customers with no concern. I would chat to people over the phone, make an effort to see friends, be interested in daily life. I could cope with negativity. Overcome it, even. I wouldn’t let anything bring me down because I had something inside me that made me keep going out there, into the world, facing it all.
But sometimes, Friend, things happen. Sometimes just one thing. Sometimes many things. The courage to face these things is strong at first, at least stronger than now. But depending on luck, or coincidence, or fate, or opportunity, eventually the voice of that courage for some people is quieter. Weaker…
I started writing some years back as a therapy, which gradually turned into my first book, ‘A Chronicle of Karma.’ At the time, I felt like a pregnant mother about to give birth, as it was as though I would explode with the myriad of past impressions, that were haunting my mind like adverts on a film reel. It all descended on me like a burst dam and all I could do, was to keep writing whatever came through and trusting that flow. I didn’t judge myself in the process, as that’s one of the worst things a writer can do. I find that it creates subtle mental blockages. When I satiated all that needed to be expelled from within me, I began to fine tune it all. It was by no means an easy journey, as I was extremely trammeled by various external factors as well.
A great day out at the Explore and Discover day at the Engineering base at Heathrow. Amazing presentations and shows lined up for all tastes. I particularly enjoyed the simulator experience that my son and grand daughter went on. Also managed to get Harsha on it as well. The sun was out, atmosphere fantastic and very enjoyable. Saw a Michael Jackson tribute act…I’m sure after seeing this ,he’s in hiding somewhere!!!
I went to bed quite late the other night. I was on a very early start for work and needed a much deserved sleep prior to facing another challenging day. As I lay in bed looking at the ceiling where luminous stars had been stuck to imitate the starry night outside, my mind kept wondering to a what if situation. I kept thinking back to 1972 when I first landed in my country of residence with only the clothes on our backs. My mind was wondering if I had settled somewhere else instead of Leicester, where would I be today. I had started work at the tender age of fifteen and a half ! I had lied to get the job and told them I was sixteen.
So I suddenly wake up, or had I slept at all even? I could not for the life of me close my eyes and not think of “what If”.
And the what if’s of our lives can bring either miserly depression or a happiness not known to me . I kept thinking about my place of residence. What if I had moved to my choice area.But I needed consent. I was brought up in a house where even as an adult, I would seek permission do do even the simplest of things,like make a decision. A decision that would have changed my life and those around me. The stars were bright again. They shone in the darkness of the room. My eyes were open again. A quick glance at the wall clock. 03.30 am. ! Two hours and I’m at work.
Eyes closed again. Thoughts are astray, it’s that “what if ” question again. And so many of the what ifs keep trundling through my brain like a runaway train. It’s non stop. I can’t apply the brakes because I like the what ifs. They are much better than my current status. So what if wins for tonight. It’s taking over my life tonight.
Another bright star in my eyes. It’s bright yellow. But still on my bedroom ceiling.Another wish shattered. I think a cloud should hide them stars. Maybe it should rain while I’m looking up. I’ll wake up drenched and see reality.
The time is 4.45am Time to jump out of bed as the alarm goes off in unison to my thoughts. As I open my eyes for the millionth time tonight, the over whelming” what if” comes back to haunt me. I know the rest of my sleep depraved day is going to keep the” what if” alive and well.!!
I take a deep breath. I look around. Rub my eyes and look at the ceiling. Tired, yes but not out yet. Then it suddenly dawns on me ( no pun intended) . What if this was just a dream. !
Have you ever stopped to think about why you are on social media? For me, it has always been about connecting with people, learning from my community, and contributing to that community. Page views, subscribers, followers and fans were never a stand alone goal. They were a means to an end — the promise of a potential connection.